Professor Fullmetal Hogwarts
by jupiterrocks24
Summary: The Fullmetal Alchemist is ordered to teach at Hogwarts. The little brats hardly understand the science, let alone respect it, so used to waving their wands and getting what they want. But Ed will show them how useful Alchemy can be. OoP/2003 Anime. Minor Ed/Win maybe.
1. Chapter 1

Fullmetal Professor

**The Polyjuice potion is just too EASY to make. I am the whole production staff of the first Fullmetal Alchemist anime, and I'm also J.K. Rowling. Lets just say I know the right barber shops.**

**Just Kidding**

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! Not like anyone actually cares.**

"Get Fullmetal for me, Hawkeye!" Roy called out. "Yes, Colonel," Riza replied. She stepped outside the doors. "Edward, the Colonel would like to see you," she said to Ed.

He trudged into the office. "Finally, Colonel Bastard, after an hour of waiting!" Roy set his paper down.

"Here's your new mission: you're going to be the new professor at a school of magic in England. You're going to teach alchemy, of course, since you don't have much use otherwise. Al can't come permanently but occasionally he can visit. He'll be staying with the Rockbells. All the arrangements have been made, so when you're ready, take this and go."

Roy handed him a sheet of paper with a transmutation circle. "Oh, and you can send us letters by owl." Ed was fuming. "Seriously?! I have to do THIS!" Roy smirked. "Straight from Fuhrer King Bradley. You'll probably be useless after this, since every person whose done it since has either gone crazy or became my subordinate." Havoc nodded. "I did it. Those kids are hell. Good luck, and you'll fucking need it with those kids!"

Ed looked like he was about to throw a tantrum, but knew it would go to no use, so he just clapped his hands and touched the paper.

"Damn," Roy said. "He didn't even put up a fight."

When the transmutation was done, Ed wiped off his coat and looked around. It was a very big mess hall. "What are you doing here?" a stern looking woman asked. "School does not start for another few weeks."

He snarled. "I'm the new alchemy professor, thank you very much, straight from Amestris."

The woman eased. "I'm sorry, you just looked so-" "young, I know, I'm only 15. But I'm one of the best. I AM a state alchemist after all." And then he pulled out his pocket watch.

"I see. Well, my name is Minerva McGonagall, and I am the Transfiguration teacher and deputy headmistress of Hogwarts. Let me show you to your room. At 6 we will have dinner. If you aren't hungry, you needn't come." Ed shook his head. "I'm known for my stomach."

She then took him to his classroom, where his bedroom was hidden and his office was in the back. "Dinner is at six. You can meet the staff then. It's in the same room you arrived in. Do you need me to meet you and get you there?" Ed shook his head. "Nah, I think I can get there on my own."

He set his stuff down in his room and checked his watch. "2:30 huh? I guess I'll take a nap!" And before you could count to ten, he was out.

/%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Finally he awoke. "That was nice," he said aloud. He checked his watch. "6:00! Just in time!"

He raced his way back to the mess hall. When he arrived, he ran in, just to see all the teachers' stares. "Where do I, uh, sit?"

Minerva gestured towards a chair in the middle of the table. A sallow skinned man with greasy black hair down to his chin sat next it, with a sweet looking woman on the other side. Ed sat down, and the black haired one turned to him. "Who are you?" Ed smiled. "I'm Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. I'm the new alchemy professor, and yes, I'm only fifteen."

When the food appeared on the table, he gobbled down everything in site. Everyone else stared. Finally, he said, "Nice to meet ya!"

He proceeded to walk out, his hands in his pockets, his red coat with the flamel symbol embroidered on the back flairing.

"That ones diffrent," Hagrid commented. Minerva nodded. "Indeed so."

The first day was finally here, and as the newly sorted students sat down, Ed yawned.

Dumbledore stood up. "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. This year, we have two new teachers, Professor Elric, who will be teaching alchemy," and Ed stood quickly, then sat back down, "and our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge. Now Quidditch tryouts are to be held on Friday and-" Umbridge, who had remained standing, went "Hem, hem!" Dumbledore sat in respect, and she began a boring speech that Ed was zoned out to after the first word.

Finally, the food arrived, and soon afterwards, Ed went back to his office. "Hem, hem!" he heard a fake sugary sweet voice say behind him. He turned around. "What?" "Where are you headed? Didn't Professor Dumbledore say to head to the dormitories?"

Ed growled. "I'm the new alchemy teacher, and I'm only 15." She glared. "Any proof?" He rolled his eyes and took out his pocket watch.

"And if you bought that in a shop?" Ed growled again. Seriously?! he thought. He clapped his hands together and made a mini Hogwarts castle out of it. "Enough?" he asked, his tone quite rude.

"Yes. And your name?" Ed rolled his eyes. "If you didn't listen, my name is Edward Elric. Call me Ed." Umbridge smiled. "How would you're mother let you get into the military at such a young age?"

Ed looked to the floor. "My mother... died when I was younger." "I see. And your father?" Ed clenched his fists tightly, and his face showed his anger. "He... he abandoned us when I was just a few years old."

"Us?" Umbridge said in a questioning tone. "Yeah. Me, my mom, and my younger brother, Alphonse. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get to bed. It's been... okay to meet you."

Umbridge nodded, and Ed marched off to his room. She's a psychotic bitch! Ed thought.

/

Ed woke up with a shock. He checked his watch. "5:45. Breakfast starts in an hour and a half. I guess I'll go wander around the library." Izumi had given them a rigorous schedule when they were kids; Ed still got up at the crack of dawn by instinct.

When he got to the library, it wasn't open. Of course, he wasn't expecting it to be. He clapped his hands and transmuted a door. "That was easy," Ed whispered. He then scoured the library.

At 6:30, a woman came in, fairly tired. "WHO DID THIS TO MY LIBRARY?" she yelled. Ed moved into her field of vision. "Sorry. You weren't open, and I was bored. I'll fix it." Then he clapped his hands and transmuted it back.

The lady gaped. Ed just went back to reading. The alchemy books... They were so frustrating! They all called Alchemy a "dead art", and just about everything was wrong. And they made the Philosopher's stone the main thing. If the authors had known how hard it was...

At 6:55, Ed went to wait outside the doors for breakfast. Waiting with him was none other than Severus Snape. Ed turned to him and smiled. "Hey! Missed your name." The man just stared. "Severus Snape, Potions master."

Ed smiled even brighter. "I love potions! My alchemy teacher made us learn it because, according to her, "Alchemy is not the only answer, Ed!" Then again, if she heard me talking like this, she'd beat my ass. And it seems like you don't care, so I'll shut up."

Snape turned to the teen. "I would like to see your skills. You are the only person I have ever met that is not a teacher and loves potions."

And then the Great Hall opened. Ed sat next to Snape, like he had the first day he came to Hogwarts. He ate everything in front of him, but then bolted for the bathroom. He came back, but his hair was frazzled and he looked very sick.

Pomena Sprout, who sat on the other side of him, looked concerned. "Are you all right, dearie?" she asked. He nodded. "This sure as hell isn't Amestrian cuisine."

When he sat back down, he proceeded to take out some parchment and a quill and ink (why isn't there anything normal here? he thought) and started writing.

"Dear Al,

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you I was leaving. I would've probably kicked the Colonel's ass, and then what brother would you have left? Nah, but still, there was something holding me back. I'm really sorry.

Today is the first day, and its just breakfast, so I don't know how the kids are. Havoc has done it before, and he said it was hell. We'll see about that.

I made a friend (I guess?) who is the Potions master. I told him how Teacher made us learn potions, and how I love 'em, and he said I was the first person he had ever met excluding teachers that liked potions. He's gonna see how good my skills are sometime soon.

Tell Den I said hi. Don't worry, I'm writing Winry and Pinako too. Oh and one last thing: all of the books on Alchemy suck! They call it a dead art and emphasize the Philosopher's stone the most. If they knew...

Anyways,

Love you,

Ed"

He then folded it up and put it in his red coat. Pomena turned towards him. "And who is that to? Your girlfriend?" she teased. Ed shook his head. "My brother. I didn't tell him I was coming here. He already knows everything, since my superior officer Colonel Mustang told him everything. He has to live with my childhood friend Winry in our hometown of Resembool. But I'm sure he isn't too angry. I've got to go get ready for my first class, the fifth years."

When he marched off, he didn't hear the Gryffindor table, Hermione Granger in particular. "He's so young! How is he the new alchemy professor?" Ron shrugged. "I guess we will find out." He proceeded to eat the porridge in front of him.

"All you boys think about is food!" Hermione exclaimed.

/

Harry, Ron, and Hermione marches into the Alchemy classroom. They sat at the front of the room, since Hermione seemed to be very interested in the class. Harry and Ron only took it because it was required.

A young teen with blonde hair in a braid, a red coat, black TankTop, black leather pants, and black combat boots came out from the back of the classroom.

He picked up a piece of chalk and proceeded to write a few things on the board. When he sat down at his desk, Harry read it aloud in a whisper: "Professor Elric, Alchemy teacher."

The blonde teen stood up again. "For those of you who can't read, I am Professor Elric the alchemy teacher. If you were wondering why I looked so young, it's 'cause I am. I'm only 15, and I'm not turning 16 until February. Now, any questions?"

He heard a few snickers. "Such a short professor, you'd think he's a first year if not for the outfit!" Malfoy whispered to his friends. They laughed with him. Ed walked up next to Malfoy, who now had a look of sheer terror on his face.

Ed was staring him down. "Call me short again," he whispered, "and you will have a few broken bones."

He returned to the front. "A few class rules. Number 1: don't call me short, or you will never see the light of day again with all the detention I give you. Number 2: never do a transmutation without myself or someone else I deem acceptable there. Number 3: there will be NO mixing of animals with alchemy. Number 4: never use yourself as material in a transmutation, and NEVER, EVER do a human transmutation. If these rules confuse you, don't worry, we will go over these topics soon."

He had written all the rules on the chalkboard. He then turned around, his face more relaxed. "Alright, anyone want to give a brief description of alchemy?"

Hermione raised her hand, an Ed picked her. "Alchemy is a dead art that was once used centuries ago. It was mostly used for turning lead into gold. The famed Philosopher's Stone can be used to bypass all alchemic laws."

Ed sighed. "Wrong, everything you just said was wrong, except for the bit on the Philosopher's stone."

Hermione was astonished. "But that's what it said in the book!" Ed just laughed. "I want you all to give me your books. I need more kindling for my fireplace. Those books are trash. Almost everything they say is a LIE. Alchemy is not a dead art, how would the Amestrian Military have so many State Alchemists if it was? Lead cannot be turned into gold. Well, it can, but it's illegal, since it drives down the value of currency. And the Philosopher's Stone... Trust me, it's not as easy to find as the book says. Now, want to see an example of alchemy?"

Those who were still paying attention nodded wearily. Ed clapped his hands and put them on the floor. A large statue of a woman's head and face came out of the floor. Everyone gasped in awe. It was in full detail!

"That is my mother, Trisha Elric. Now that you are paying attention, I'm going to give you some homework. You will have a month to figure it out. Here it is: find out what the phrase "One is all, all is one" means, and how it applies to you and me. You can go to the library or whatever, I guess."

Neville Longbottom raised his hand. "What?" Ed asked. "Can you do your father in detail?" Neville asked. Ed clenched his fist. "I... WILL DO NOTHING OF THAT SORT FOR THAT BASTARD."

Neville, who was now scared stiff, did not enquire further. Malfoy, however, did. "Who's your father, Professor Elric?"

Ed clenched his fists tighter. "I call him either bastard or coward, but he goes by Van Hoenheim." Again, the class gasped in unison.

"What?" Ed asked, his tone irritated. Hermione proceeded to tell him. "Hoenheim is a legendary potions master, and he helped Nicolas Flamel make the Philosopher's Stone."

Ed gritted his teeth. "OH NOW I'M GONNA KILL THAT BASTARD!" he yelled. He then faced the students. "Class dismissed."

He then ran towards Dumbledore's office. "Acid pops," he said to the gargoyle. The staircase came out.

"Yes Edward?" Dumbledore asked as he ran into the room. "Are you in contact with Van Hoenheim?" Dumbledore wrinkled his nose. "Yes, but why?" Ed slammed his fist on the table. "Because he is my father and I have got to talk to that bastard!" Dumbledore sighed.

"Please be more specific, Edward." Ed slammed his fist yet again. "HE MADE A FUCKING PHILOSOPHER'S STONE!" Dumbledore shrugged. "Why does this require contact with Hoenheim?"

Ed's face flushed with anger, and he spoke with gritted teeth, "You wizards... Don't know... The sacrifice... The human lives... That are required to make a... Philosopher's Stone."

Dumbledore sighed. "Edward, it must wait. This is no time for family drama." Ed crossed his arms, but then winced.

Dumbledore then lightened his expression. "Do you have metal limbs?" Ed gave him a look of awe. "How did you know?"

Dumbledore smiled gently. "You have been quite stiff in your movements, and you just winced. Muggle technology does not work here, but I can perform a spell that can help a bit." He then waved his wand a towards Ed. Ed stroked his shoulder, his port still aching.

"It still hurts," he said. "I have a mechanic in Amestris named Winry. Could you get her here?" Dumbledore nodded. "I will get her here in a few days. Is that all, Edward?"

Ed nodded and left the room. Dumbledore sighed. The boy hated his father; it was easy to tell. He couldn't bring Hoenheim into that situation willingly. He knew why Hoenheim had left Edward's family, but knowing Ed, it might not matter. "Not today," Dumbledore mumbled aloud.

Ed woke up Wednesday morning at 6. Great, I slept in, he thought. He got up and brushed his hair, then braided it. He found his pocket watch and clipped it to his belt.

He waited outside the Great Hall until it opened. He ate a bit of breakfast but only the basics like eggs and bacon. He found British cooking to be very disagreeable with his stomach.

Soon the owls came in to deliver letters, and one dropped one in Ed's spot. He opened it up.

"Dear Ed,

You could have told me, brother! I'm not angry, but it would have been nice!

Granny doesn't mind me staying there, she definitely puts me to work. Winry has been teaching me how the automail works; it's really cool and interesting.

When you get back, brother, will we continue our search for the Philosopher's Stone? I... I hate sitting here for hours, not being able to sleep. I want to eat again. I want to feel you!

Everything has been fine here, so you don't need to worry!

Love you,

Al"

Ed snickered. That gearhead must have hypnotized him, he thought. He gave it a bit of thought, then got out the parchment and feathers.

"Dear Al,

You must be really bored! How could that gearhead getcha to find automail "interesting"? Weird...

Anyway, I don't know if we will continue the search. We probably will if the military isn't keeping me too busy, but we'll need better leads. You know our luck; nothing ever comes out of our searches.

My automail's port has been hurting a lot. Dumbledore, the headmaster and basically my boss says that it's because non-wizarding technology doesn't work well here. But he's going to get Winry to fix it for me. That'll be nice.

What's Granny saying about me? I can't help but wonder...

Love you bunches,

Ed"

He once again out the parchment in his coat and marched off to the owlery before his first class. And, once again, he was encountered by Umbridge.

"What are you doing, dear?" she asked in her fake sweet voice. Ed sighed. "Sending a letter." She smiled. "To whom?" Ed rolled his eyes. "My brother, Alphonse."

"And may I ask why?" Ed growled. "Because we are very close, and this is the only way that I can speak with him now. This is the first time since he was born that we've been separated."

She giggled. "Hee-hee! Very well then, be on your way!" After she left, Ed rubbed his temple. What a psychotic bitch, he thought.

"There are three steps to alchemy: Identification; Destruction; and Reconstruction. Identification means identifying your materials."

Ed heard a snicker from Malfoy. "Yeah, this is wood, this is metal." Ed gave him the death state. "WHAT I MEAN, YOU ASSHOLE, is more like Cedar, aluminum, cotton. Expert alchemists know by instinct-"

"EDWARD! HOW DARE YOU BREAK MY AUTOMAIL!" A wrench went flying through the air and hit him straight on the head.

He rubbed his temple. "Winry, I'm teaching!" he said, in a whiny voice.

Ed went up to Winry, whispered a few words, and she smiled.

"Sorry! Don't mind me!" she said to the class. She then sat down next to Harry, who shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

"Anyway, Identification is much more specific. Deconstruction involves breaking the substance down. And reconstruction involves, well, reconstructing the substance into your goal.

"We are focusing on identification for the moment. Here's some periodic tables, pass them back."

Malfoy sneered. "Muggle theories. Why do this when we have magic?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, BASTARD? YOU GET DETENTION FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS! Alchemy is a SCIENCE, YOU LAZY ASSHOLE! Just for that, instead of having a weeks to memorize the chart, you have a day."

Malfoy laughed. "And if I don't, Professor?" Ed laughed back. "Yeah, you definitely won't be playing seeker in Slytherin's next game. And, I think I can assign you a detention with that Filch guy instead of with me. I hear he's ten times worse."

Malfoy was white as a sheet. Ed laughed. "Get to memorizing, asshole!"

He walked back up to the front of the classroom. "Homework: by the end of the month, figure out what the phrase "All is one, one is all" means. And memorize that periodic table of elements. Test next week. Without that, you can't successfully transmute something. Any complaining that I hear or see will earn you detention with Filch and loss of Quidditch privileges. Class dismissed."

The class shuffled out, with Harry, Ron, and Hermione the last ones out. Ed then shut the door. "So, are you ready, Winry?"

Winry smiled. "Anytime, Ed. How long till dinner?" Ed checked his watch. "About 30 minutes. Let's go anyways!" Winry rolled her eyes. "And you are starving, aren't you?" Ed smirked. "You know me so well."

They stood outside the Great Hall and talked for a bit, until the doors flung open. Then all the teachers went to their respective spots at the table.

"Um, can I get a chair for my friend, Winry?" Ed asked Dumbledore. Umbridge smirked. "A professor, yet he can't even get a chair." Ed proceeded to scoot his chair over, clap his hands and put them on the ground. A chair rose out of the stone floor, with blue light coming until it was fully formed.

"Gee, Ed, it's a bit cold," Winry said, giggling. Ed turned to Dumbledore. "Got any spare cloth?" he asked. Umbridge scoffed, but Dumbledore gave him a sheet. Ed transmuted it into upholstery on the the stone chair. "Thank you, Edward."

She sat down, and Ed sat next to her. "Who are you, dear?" Sprout asked Winry. Winry smiled. "I'm Ed's childhood friend." Pomena smiled.

Umbridge leaned in. "What are you here for, my dear?" she asked in her sugary sweet voice. "I'm, uh, helping Ed with some stuff." Umbridge nodded.

The food appeared, and while Winry ate a bit then sat back, Ed continued to gobble down everything in front of him. "You should learn some table manners, Edward!" Winry scolded, frowning.

He sighed and stopped eating. "Man, this food is nothing compared to food back home. Granny should teach those elves how to cook." Winry raised her eyebrows. "Elves?" Ed waved his hand nonchalantly. "Don't even ask."

When they finished, they headed back to Ed's classroom. Ed took off his gloves, jacket, and leather pants so that he was only wearing a TankTop and a pair of boxers. He sat at his desk, his feet on the desk.

Winry was adjusting his automail and was telling him about life in Resembool. Ed laughed. "Al says you started teaching him automail mechanics. Have you two been boring him intentionally?"

Winry lightly hit her wrench on Ed's flesh leg. "Nah. He just doesn't have a lot to do, and since he spends a lot of time with me everyday. Two days in he asked me how automail worked. I began explaining it to him, and he wanted to know more."

They continued to talk when the door swung open and Umbridge walked in. "I see. And what is this?" Ed frowned. "You ever heard of knocking?" he whined. Umbridge ignored the comment. "Fine. This is my automail. It's "muggle" technology; an advanced prosthetic limb that connects the nerves to the limb so it is like a normal limb."

Umbridge smiled. "And why not get Madame Pomfrey to grow you some limbs? You are a professor at a school of magic, although some would find that hard to believe."

Ed scowled. "I didn't get these on accident. These are... my punishment. My reminder. I will not allow myself to forget how I got this and the price I paid. And I am not a damn magician, I am a scientist. I teach at a school. What kind of school it is doesn't matter; it's a school. Don't ask me how I got this. I will never tell the likes of you."

**Ooh, a cliffhanger! I'm so evil! I'll try to get the next chapter out soon, 'kay? And I type on mobile, so occasionally Autocorrect will screw a word up. If so, I'm sorry. REVIEW PLEASE! Flames, suggestions, compliments, constructive criticism, TELL ME WHAT CANDY YOU GOT FOR HALLOWEEN! Just PLEASE review!**


	2. Author's Note (Sorry!)

Sorry guys, no actual chapter today. Just a little info.

First off: I know my writing has been super crappy and cliche and all that jazz. As some of you may or may not know, I write on mobile, so it's a bit hard to edit my stories. Honestly, typing on my iPod Touch really kills my writing mood sometimes. Anyways, I am setting up my desktop soon so I can properly type this stuff and edit it. And TRUST me, I WILL edit it.

Second: Sorry for not updating for over a month and then giving you this crappy authors note! It's unfair, I know, and I'm not too proud of myself for it. I just haven't been writing much for my posted stories. I HAVE been working on one or two more HP/FMA crossovers, but they haven't fleshed out much so I will probably give them up. I have also been writing a Skip Beat fanfic, a Fruits Basket/HP Fic, a Ouran/Fruits Basket fic, and a just plain Fullmetal Alchemist Fic. Just an FYI. Once I flesh the stories out a bit and write a few solid chapters for them (which I SHOULD have done for these stories I've posted), I might post them. Depends on my mood and if they're good enough.

Third: Pretty soon my internet's gonna be out for a month or two, so probably no updates for a bit. But that's good! It means less dilly-dallying and reading OTHER fanfics and more writing! And I'm gonna start homeschooling pretty soon, which includes taking 10 courses sans electives. Whoop-dee-doo!

All I need to do is find a desk in my garage and find a mouse and I will set up my computer and begin typing up more of these awesome stories!

Just a side note: my birthday is August 24th, next Saturday! Same as Rupert Grint aka Ron Weasly! Pretty cool, eh?

If you read this through and have some spare time, please tell me what I can improve on this fic so I can make the story 10x better! Suggestions are cool too! If you say "Led Zeppelin" somewhere in your review, I'll give you some virtual snicker doodles! Yummy!

And I'm buying the Order of the Phoenix soon so this will follow the book more. And I just finished Brotherhood. But this is still going to be based on the 2003 anime because I like it better.

Sorry if I was rambling! And thank you for your continued support!

~jupiterrocks24


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